I think the direction I am moving in is either healthy, or really not healthy. I really should figure out which one. I've been having a really rough time with a friend, and wanting their attention, and stressing about the relationship, and not liking her interactions with other friends, and feeling left out. Fixating is one word that comes to mind. It's an ugly word, and I don't like it, but my mind was not letting go of my yucky feelings. So I've decided that I need to stop fixating. This was a great epiphany for me. And harder than it sounds, which you might understand if you have ever had a friend seemingly start growing away from you. Your urge (or at least mine) is to try to pull them nearer, and fix it. I've tried that. It wasn't working. she gets all independent and wants space and all that crap. I totally don't get that because I tend to let my friends draw me near when they need me. But for my own self-preservation I'm not engaging as much with her or the people around us socially. I can feel myself doing that whole guarding my heart thing a little. This is something I have not done in the past with this friend, because I am all about trust and openness with my friends. But that was not working. Continual pain tells me that something about the way that I am handling this friendship is not working. So, I do the whole putting up walls thing. I don't like to do this with friends. But it feels like the most healthy thing I can do right now.
She knows something is up. She knows I have things on my mind, and she knows I am all stressed out. She's the whole, whatever, you don't have to talk to me, I'll give you space, kind of friend. Which is nice of her. I wish it was a little more important to her to know what was going on with me and be all supportive, but that's not her style, and this is not about getting her attention. And she has asked me what's going on several times. She's shown genuine concern. I think she believes she knows a lot of what is going on in my head. She maybe knows 50%. It's more complicated than just being about this friendship. I really can't talk about it with her. I don't know what I would say. I don't think talking to her about it would help me. I still wish I could. I want to be able to tell her. I want someone close to me, supporting me. But this is one of those stupid, work through it yourself, kind of things. I'm tired of doing things on my own.
One odd side effect. Several times the last few weeks I've gotten so sick to my stomach over the stress of it all that I've wanted to puke. And so I have. I made myself puke tonight. My tummy feels so much better now. I think this is not healthy. I think I will not be telling anyone about this. I really should stop doing that.
It should bother her that I"m putting up walls. I don't think she's noticed yet. Ugh. It sounds like I'm doing this to get her attention. I'm not. But I'm not going to lie, I wish it would get her attention nonetheless. At least a little.
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Dear sadgirl,
ReplyDeleteI just wrote this whole long thing, and managed to delete it. I considered ditching writing a reply, but I feel like I have to at least re-write parts of what I was writing to let you know, that, although I am very sad to hear about what you are going through (and I feel for ya, believe you me), I am amazed!
I have been struggeling with depression for some time now, but full on for about half a year, including a hospitalization. I know a lot of people are depressed, but I feel like I have so many messed up thoughts mixed into it. I realize after reading your blog, they are not that messed up, I am just put in a crappy situation with crappy friends!
I swear, I had to double check that I was not reading my own blog that I cannot remember making! It is just like hearing my train of thought when I have to vent.
I can especially relate to the whole thing about friend/friends. I really feel like I am demanding so much from my friends. All I really ask, is for someone to care and at least make an effort trying to comfort me. I mean, that IS what friends are for right? But noo, the times when I feel so lonely I start crying with frustration, my friends sometimes go "aw, it'll get better", or "I wish I could do something to help. Woop, gotta go meet Susan". or something along those lines. I am not saying "OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO DEPRESSSSEEEED SOMEONE DO SOMETHING"! or acting like some crazy person. All I am saying is "I am lonely". Just like you said, if someone I knew was really lonely, I would make sure to make that person feel special, make plans etc. And ESPECIALLY if that person was going through a depression! I have actually lost a few friends through this, because of the lack of support. Or, I have decided that they are not worth it.
Although some stuff of unhealthy thought patterns we share are.. well, exactly that, unhealthy, it does make me feel SO much better about this! That I am not the only one to be like this! I am really sad to know you, too, have to go through this frustration, but you have to know that reading this, makes me feel more secure in myself! You have def. done something good with sharing this :)
Also, it's been a while since you've been writing, and I have no idea if you will see this in a long while, but I would love to see another post, and I hope you are doing well!
Thank you for sharing!
Hi, Kine. thanks for the comment. :) It is nice to talk to someone every once in a while who gets it. I am blessed with a few friends who have had similar experiences. The unfortunate thing is that my friend who would be most open to me just coming and lying on her couch and watching tv with her when I just need to have someone near is in another state now. Being alone sucks... It's nice to know you identified with my thoughts.
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