Me Today.

When I started this blog I thought it would be all kinds of therapeutic. I thought I would be posting ALL the time. Writing has always been cathartic for me.

And then... the worst depressive period of my life. Ever. I'm really tired of it. The good news is I've got new meds that have brought me WAY up. Up enough that I can actually write. As mentioned in one of my posts not too far back, I don't get how suffering makes people more artistic. It just froze all the creative parts of me. There was a huge void where deep thoughts, or even frivolous goofy thoughts should be.

The other part is, even thought I'm starting to have an interest in activities again, and am not so apathetic I just want blissful unconsciousness, thoughts are still often painful. Especially the ones around my depression and how life has been going.

It's not helpful to have a friend tell you over and over that the effects of your anxiety that she is seeing are NOT NORMAL. Emphatically. Over and over again. Um, thanks, dear friend. And, also? Bite me. So, at least I am feeling a little feisty. I do okay with anger in my depression. It's when I'm too depressed to be angry and I just cave when people attack me that things get really bad. Because I totally have enough  negative inner dialogue. I don't need other people to help. Especially friends. But I don't want to tell that whole story right now. Because, like I said, those thoughts are painful. And I don't feel like dealing with that situation further at this point, except to know that I am really angry and that's okay.

So I've been focusing on little things to make life better. Because I still am a wee bit apathetic and get exhausted when I push myself to be the happy person I feel like I should be. So, I'm trying to make myself get up and clean when I want to lay and bed and watch me some online TV. Having a clean home makes a big difference in the mood. So at least when I succumb to my bed and laptop after a while of cleaning, I have accomplished something, and things are orderly around me, and I had some physical activity. So that was step one.

Step two is to start making plans with people and to go visit my cute little niece and nephews like I used to do so often. I've done that a little bit. This week has been so awful I bailed on my friend that I was supposed to get Thai with twice. Fortunately she is forgiving. We will reschedule.

Step three is to volunteer more. I do a little bit of volunteering with some kids. I've been doing bare minimum with that effort. Part of it is I think I need some change. I've started looking at some one-time opportunities with other organizations to just try some things out. That will help me to be a little bit social while having a task so I don't have to focus on the awkwardness of being social. I've never  enjoyed being social for socialness' sake. I like hanging out with friends one on one. Not "being social." Plus, you know, volunteering is good. Helping people, being passionate about a cause... all that.

I'm not sure what step four is. I'm still working on the first three. I'm a little weak on all three. I have little spurts of not being weak. That's better than where I was at. I feel like I should be filling my life. And then I feel like trying to do that would set me up for failure. Bleh. This is a lot of work. I'm tired just writing about it...