Is it Just Me?

I've realized recently a few things about me and compliments.

1. If I receive a compliment, I assume they are saying it to be nice, because they feel obligated. I think this partially stems from having a few friends who have to be very deliberate in complimenting me, because they don't naturally praise people a lot for one reason or another.

2. I do not find it to be a compliment when people tell me that I have improved, or that I have grown. At least not professionally. Because, um, excuse me, just because you are just now realizing that I rock at my job doesn't mean that I wasn't rocking before. Also, what big flaw did I have that was so terrible at the beginning.

It's funny that my brain works that way, because when I tell other people they have grown, and how proud I am, I do consider it a compliment. I think the reason I don't consider it a compliment for myself is that I have kind of these crazy perfectionist standards for myself, and if you noticed the flaw, and then I improved, I'm focused on how mortified I am that I had such a blatant flaw. Where did that come from? I never thought of myself as a perfectionist. I know that this urge is especially strong where friends are in the picture. Because I have to be perfect so my friends will love me. Because if I irritate and upset them they will go away. Since I seem to keep losing long time friends, I'm having a hard time dissuading myself of this theory now that I've identified that it is an underlying motive for me. Life-long friendships seem to be a figment of my imagination. Everyone that I think i have a lifelong bond with either grows out of me, or I have to distance myself from them for the sake of emotional health--mine and theirs. My hope is that they will come back. But current friends tell me I should move on and not hope that. Because apparently that hope is not healthy?

I also realized the other night that I feel like my friends schedule time with me now out of pity or obligation. They are all so busy. They have other friends who are their best friends. They have significant others. It is an effort for them to schedule me in. Why am I not naturally just a part of any one's life? It didn't used to feel this hard. And I feel so unwanted. The thing is, I have plenty of friends who want to spend time with me, who text me and message me and check in with me and try to slow their frantic pace to connect with me. I know this. But I feel so alone. I've lost the people who would term me Best. That's not totally true. I do still have my BFF. But she lives 4 or 5 hours away. And she has a life. And I can hardly get hold of her on the phone, let alone see her. And I"m not a part of her everyday life anymore. I don't know if any of her friends have ever even heard my name.

Back to the compliment thing: I was compliment several times tonight. But the compliments were so conditional. I was better than I had been. I was frustrating but we had learned together. I must be really difficult. Others got glowing compliments from the same lips. I don't merit that, and I don't know if it's because sometimes it's harder to expose deeper appreciation of those we are closer to, or if it is because I have not grown to their satisfaction, and do not merit glowing praise because, despite how I bust my butt, I'm not quite at that level. And yet the compliment given was given with a mindfulness that I was not feeling validated and longed to hear that I was appreciated in a meaningful way. Why, when people know you really need to hear, is it harder for said people to give meaningful praise? What is that stubbornness? Is there something so wrong with me wanting to know that those I most respect and love respect and love me as much in return. Apparently the feeling isn't mutual?

Shame on ME

I guess the fact that I haven't blogged in here for over 20 days is a good sign, since I'm generally drawn to blog on here when I've having a tough time and am trying to process feelings. Trying to do the whole self care thing. Feel like doody tonight.

One thing I have realized about myself is that although I've been really good about talking about my feelings and looking for honest feedback about how I'm dealing with said feelings, there is a little hiccup. Once I've discovered that something I am feeling is a little wack-a-doodle, meaning that it's not the healthy response and not "normal," after a while I try to hide the fact that I am having said feeling from those same close trusted friends who helped me determine I'm over-reacting. Because I know how sad and insecure I really do look, and that the fact that I am insecure is evident to people. For example, Coolgirl got a new employee that will meet some needs I've been helping meet in the workplace. I helped hire her. I loved her in the interview, and I still do. But now that she's started, I'm having a knee-jerk panic-y reaction, because she is (and will continue to be) taking up her time, and therefore I am feeling like I have been replaced because I don't serve a function for her, and if she doesn't need me she's going to leave. As much as I can now identify that this is a central issue for me, I still continue to panic. I can't seem to help myself. I do calm myself down in what I suppose is a relatively short amount of time, since I can identify what the feeling is. But meanwhile I get all cranky and spastic and throw up walls and alienate Coolgirl, who has no idea what my damage is.

Normally Coolgirl would get out of me what I am freaking out about, but this week she's been so busy that it's been pretty easy to a) hide some of my freaking outedness, and b) avoid getting called on it, because we have not spent time alone, and she doesn't make time for me outside of work anymore, so calling me after work to check in doesn't even occur to her. She puts me out of her head as part of work when she leaves the office now. Which is the other part of my freak-out. That I don't factor into her personal life. That's not to say that we don't have a personal relationship, or that I don't believe and trust that she loves me like a close friend. It's just I'm in the work compartment of her life. She's too enamored with her not-so-new love interest to consider making me part of her outside of work life, because said Love Interest calls the shots on the agenda.

So I'm hiding these five-year-old gut reaction feelings; squirreling them away from view with an underlying feeling of shame. Shame for being so insecure. Insecure is not attractive. People don't like an insecure friend. That leads to clingy. Which leads to people running far, far away. And in this state of shame and insecurity, I don't see any way out. Talking about it would be stupid. She's not doing anything wrong, and she can't say anything she hasn't said the last 20 times we've had this conversation about my abandonment issues. And telling other people just makes me look stupid in their eyes, and they don't know what to tell me either, except that my expectations are too high, and my feelings shouldn't be hurt given the amount of time we spend together. These things I know. My rational part totally gets it. So I just want to keep hiding it and hoping nobody notices. It feels like the dream I have about showing up to High School naked. Except worse. Because it's like showing up to work naked. For reals. And not knowing how to fix it, and so hiding under my desk all day. That's how it feels.

i miss you

This was my status on Facebook today. And I decided to post it because it applied to so many people I've been thinking about tonight. On the way home from dinner with the family, I was thinking about the difficulty I seem to have right now defining friendship, and what a good friend is. And I realized that the reason I become so uneasy when I think about the topic, and the answer seems to allude me, is that I have, for most of my life, defined myself as a Good Friend. That is where most of my worth lies, in my mind. And as I have gone through changes with friends this last year, it has been very unsettling. In therapy, in my reading, and talking with a few smart friends, I have learned about Boundaries. As in the things you should set to maintain a healthy relationship. Who knew? Aren't boundaries like fences? And fences are bad with really close friends, right? Turns out not so much. Sometimes fences are what keep your friend from letting their dog crap on your lawn. Or something. Okay, somewhere that analogy took a wrong turn. But hopefully you can kind of follow what I mean there. It made sense in my head, and since this is mostly just my own therapy--this writing it all down and putting it Out There thing-- I don't care if it makes sense. At least not right now. Some day maybe I'll try to say it better. I'm sure at some point Dr. Phil has said it better. Google Dr. Phil and boundaries and see what you get. I'm sure it will be illuminating.

Anyways, since I've been setting some boundaries, I've seen a few friends leave my life. They're not far off--they're still my friends on Facebook. But they're not speaking to me. And any attempt on my part to mend things would result in them spewing more toxic feelings on me. Because they're not taking care of themselves, and they are too unhealthy to see or care how it impacts the people they love. So, since I can't help them, and they only hurt me, I've for the most part walked away. And that feels so against my nature. Because I'm the Good Friend. And to me that has always meant sticking with them through thick and thin. Loving them when they are prickly. And apparently prickly and toxic are not the same thing, and a few of my friends are beyond prickly now. So, as the Good Friend, who has always considered herself Loyal (and in fact often gets defined that way by friends), I'm a little freaked out here. Am I the Bad Friend???

So let's see, my definition of friendship before was: loyal, unfailingly faithful, no matter how tough things get, loving, forgiving, understanding, supportive, helpful.... That doesn't sound like a bad definition. So under that definition, I would stick with the toxic friend, even if they got a little painful to deal with. Because pain is just part of life, and you are growing when you feel pain, right?

Apparently somewhere I went astray. So what is a good friend? I still contend that a good friend is loyal, loving, forgiving, understanding, supportive, and helpful. And I feel like I am still those things. So why do I feel so empty? Do I thrive on the pain inflicted by toxic friends, like some sad little martyr?

It could possibly be because of my care-taking tendency, which is feeling sadly neglected right now. Because care-taking is bad? I think? I get great satisfaction in taking care of my friends and helping meet their needs. And I think my therapist told me that it's okay to do that, as long as you are not meeting a need that they could meet themselves. Because we should empower our friends to take care of themselves? But what if I just want to lighten their load? For instance, I had a friend move a few weeks ago. I offered my help, and she said no thank you. I was incredibly offended. I didn't say anything to her, but it really bothered me. And later, when she mentioned another friend who had helped her out, I was annoyed. Yes, this was one of her Best Friends, whereas I am a Good Friend. That's fine. They've been friends for years and I know this friend still values me. Also, she might possibly think I am too clumsy and/or flaky to be much help. But see, that's where she would be wrong because I am a FABULOUS mover. Just ask BF. I totally helped her family out. But the way I was raised, you aren't supposed to deny people the opportunity to serve you, because that robs them of the chance to be blessed for giving service. She was raised that you do things for yourself and don't wait for someone else to help you, but just get it done. I think that's part of where the issue lies. But as a friend, I feel kind of... useless. What is the point of me being your friend if I can't help you? Service is a good way to show your love. Actions speak louder than words. WHY WON'T SHE LET ME SPEAK??? How is she going to know I love her if she won't let me serve her?

The funny thing is, it's not as though I don't serve her. I do things for her all the time. Not the least of which is to listen to her when she is struggling with something, supporting her emotionally. Which is totally important. Friends do that. I'm a good listener. Shouldn't that make me a good friend?

Somehow friendship has lost some of it's luster for me recently. I feel unvalued, especially exiting my relationships with The Roommate and Red. I gave and gave and suffered and loved and supported and in the end got cussed out for being self-absorbed. So with them, it's impossible to be a good friend. That should be kind of comforting to reflect on. Because clearly they are crazy. And there's a reason that, one by one, friends have been dropping out of their lives. But I still love them. And I want them to see that. And I feel like I have failed as a friend. Because obviously I didn't fully grasp what a Good Friend was, or I would not have made such a mess out of it. So I feel like I must fix me.

Which I guess is what leads me to feeling like I don't know what a good friend is. Because I thought I knew how to be one, and in the end two of my closest friends informed me I was not a good friend. After years and years of friendship. And now I have friends who won't let me do everything I can to keep them as friends. Which isn't fair, because how am I supposed to keep hold of my friends if I can't show them constant and undeniable proof of my love. I'm supposed to trust them to trust in my love for them? Just like I'm supposed to trust them when they say they aren't going anywhere? Red used to say that. And now he wants to be done with me. Is there nothing I can do to bind myself to my friends? I love them so much.

And there it is. The root of this feeling of emptiness and pain. And there doesn't appear to be anything for me to do.

Worrying Some More

Today I did something to annoy Coolgirl and she called me on it. I was teasing her about something that she didn't find funny. It was one of those healthy normal moments in friendships where you tell your friend when something they are doing bothers you, instead of letting it fester or become a larger thing than it should be.

This is where my brain takes off with the situation and I go a little crazy. That was one small moment in an interaction this afternoon where I walked with her to her coffee shop. We had positive and fun conversation before and after. We parted on good terms when I left work for the day. And the second she told me the thing that was irritating her I had a little nagging part of my brain that popped into it's anxiety mode. While part of my brain responded maturely, and I said I was sorry and was glad that she had said something, the other part, which I didn't show, was freaking out. Because no matter how hard I try, I can't be the perfect friend. I can't be the one that doesn't irritate the people I love. And if I can't avoid irritating her, how long can this friendship possibly last? Because we have clearly gotten to the point where I am annoying. And that, in my distorted little mind, is the kiss of death to a relationship. Because once they realize all of my irritating qualities, it's only a matter of time until they see that those qualities outweigh the positive. She keeps telling me those qualities are adorable, and part of what make me who I am. Um, MORTIFYING. If my flaws make me who I am, I am doomed, right?

See, crazy brain.

So even though it was a little moment in an otherwise great day, I'm left with a slightly uncomfortable feeling of fear or anxiety. I'm worried she is realizing slowly that she doesn't want to let me in too much further. And that is why she doesn't have time for me outside of work, not the new love interest. And she probably vents about me at night. And I could hear her saying "and I finally had to tell her straight out, that's annoying, because she just wasn't taking the hint..." And all kinds of paranoid thoughts were going through my head.

Such a little thing and I can't let go of it. For her it's forgotten by now, I'm sure. I've already sent one text saying I am sorry I was so slow. And she will know it's because I tend to do what I have just described above. But because she has not answered me, I really want to send another text. And I don't know what I want to say. I just want to say something that will prompt her to answer me back because I am stressing about this, and hearing SOMETHING from her will help me feel better. But I'm not sure why this thing is what I am choosing to fixate on. I've been worried on and off the last few weeks, with all the emotion and drama (coming from me, because I've been crying over different things and stuff), and her impatience and frustration with me, that I really have been wearing out my welcome. And ultimately, she seems to be treating me the same. She still looks at me sometimes like I am pretty cool. And I still seem to entertain her. But I've gone through that with other friends. Where we still have moments of normalcy that reassure me, and then they seek distance from me. She and I have had conversations about this very thing. And she has talked to me about how i need to trust her when she says that she's not going anywhere, and that she will tell me when she has issues. And I do trust her. But (and I think I've said this before on here), what if it just hits her suddenly? It could sneak up on her too.

This is why it scares me when I have friends I love so much.

PS

Today was better. Coolgirl still loves me, of course. I did add stress to her week last week, and she was honest about that. I had a couple of snotty moments, for which she could have smacked me upside of the head but kindly refrained. We're okay now. And I know more about what is going on that is stressing her. Which helps me have empathy, and also inspires me to not add to her crap. Good news all around.

The Secret I Don't Get

I follow the postsecret blog. It's good stuff. I highly recommend it on the off chance there is still someone out there besides my mother who has not heard of it. I love that there are so many different kinds of secrets, and so many different things that people worry about and harbor shame over. In some ways, it can be releasing. I realize that some shame I am harboring is nothing compared to the thing some other poor soul has shared with the world on postsecret. It's really beautiful to see people reach out to each other, too.

One secret that I see a lot on there in one form or another, and that I have seen expressed in writing and on TV throughout the years, confuses me just a wee bit.That is the worry expressed by some mentally ill people that taking the drug will Change Them. Make them Less. While I can see how this might be true with specific illnesses, where the drugs they use to help balance them are harsher and do make larger impacts on their personality (I've seen this first-hand in my profession), I don't understand this fear for depression. Or even for bipolar disorder. That's not to say that the fear isn't justified, or that there aren't drugs who might make them feel "off." But I have never met a clinically depressed person, or a person with bipolar disorder, who was Better off the drugs. At least that I know of. Deeper pain does not always equal deeper joy. Deeper pain can be missed opportunity for joy, and it can mean fuzzy happy feelings instead of the brilliant joy you can discover when your brain is balanced and healthy. For myself, that is how I feel. I'm thankful for my medication adn there is nothing appealing about "toughing it out." There are just more tears, more angry moments, more moments of self-flagellation. How is that fun? I know everyone is different. I'm not saying my way of dealing with depression is the best way for everyone. But for myself, with my experiences, from my perspective, I don't get what is so beautiful about going unmedicated when your brain just needs a little chemical balance. Is it a suffering artist thing? I've met happy artists. They do beautiful work. That's just my thought for the night. For me, I choose to seek a healthy brain, and hopefully a healthy life.

The Inevitable Crappiness Afterwards

Because I was feeling so darn healthy, now of course things are going to pot. Coolgirl has been impatient with me, and work-wise some things have been going down that both surprised me and hurt. Apparently I am super sensitive, and Coolgirl has a hard time understanding why I am taking things personally. And I have a hard time understanding why it seems to irritate her so much that I am emotional about things. It's one of the most painful things I've gone through with her. I don't like it. She has not been cruel. She has had moments where I have felt she could be kinder. But she has been genuine in expressing her feelings. And she has been tender when she could. I know from the way we parted on Friday that everything will be okay with us. But it's been all weekend. She isn't answering my texts (which is common-she is self-admittedly bad about it), and I fill in blanks when I have too much time to think. Right now the blank I am filling in is that she wants a break from me. I am probably a little right. It was a long week at work last week and apparently, as she told me Friday, I was major contributing factor to that (not that she said it quite like that). She hasn't been online, and she hasn't answered texts. I think she is checking out from the world. I don't like being part of The World. I didn't used to be. See, this is where I get all crazy. Because this thought pattern goes over and over.