i miss you

This was my status on Facebook today. And I decided to post it because it applied to so many people I've been thinking about tonight. On the way home from dinner with the family, I was thinking about the difficulty I seem to have right now defining friendship, and what a good friend is. And I realized that the reason I become so uneasy when I think about the topic, and the answer seems to allude me, is that I have, for most of my life, defined myself as a Good Friend. That is where most of my worth lies, in my mind. And as I have gone through changes with friends this last year, it has been very unsettling. In therapy, in my reading, and talking with a few smart friends, I have learned about Boundaries. As in the things you should set to maintain a healthy relationship. Who knew? Aren't boundaries like fences? And fences are bad with really close friends, right? Turns out not so much. Sometimes fences are what keep your friend from letting their dog crap on your lawn. Or something. Okay, somewhere that analogy took a wrong turn. But hopefully you can kind of follow what I mean there. It made sense in my head, and since this is mostly just my own therapy--this writing it all down and putting it Out There thing-- I don't care if it makes sense. At least not right now. Some day maybe I'll try to say it better. I'm sure at some point Dr. Phil has said it better. Google Dr. Phil and boundaries and see what you get. I'm sure it will be illuminating.

Anyways, since I've been setting some boundaries, I've seen a few friends leave my life. They're not far off--they're still my friends on Facebook. But they're not speaking to me. And any attempt on my part to mend things would result in them spewing more toxic feelings on me. Because they're not taking care of themselves, and they are too unhealthy to see or care how it impacts the people they love. So, since I can't help them, and they only hurt me, I've for the most part walked away. And that feels so against my nature. Because I'm the Good Friend. And to me that has always meant sticking with them through thick and thin. Loving them when they are prickly. And apparently prickly and toxic are not the same thing, and a few of my friends are beyond prickly now. So, as the Good Friend, who has always considered herself Loyal (and in fact often gets defined that way by friends), I'm a little freaked out here. Am I the Bad Friend???

So let's see, my definition of friendship before was: loyal, unfailingly faithful, no matter how tough things get, loving, forgiving, understanding, supportive, helpful.... That doesn't sound like a bad definition. So under that definition, I would stick with the toxic friend, even if they got a little painful to deal with. Because pain is just part of life, and you are growing when you feel pain, right?

Apparently somewhere I went astray. So what is a good friend? I still contend that a good friend is loyal, loving, forgiving, understanding, supportive, and helpful. And I feel like I am still those things. So why do I feel so empty? Do I thrive on the pain inflicted by toxic friends, like some sad little martyr?

It could possibly be because of my care-taking tendency, which is feeling sadly neglected right now. Because care-taking is bad? I think? I get great satisfaction in taking care of my friends and helping meet their needs. And I think my therapist told me that it's okay to do that, as long as you are not meeting a need that they could meet themselves. Because we should empower our friends to take care of themselves? But what if I just want to lighten their load? For instance, I had a friend move a few weeks ago. I offered my help, and she said no thank you. I was incredibly offended. I didn't say anything to her, but it really bothered me. And later, when she mentioned another friend who had helped her out, I was annoyed. Yes, this was one of her Best Friends, whereas I am a Good Friend. That's fine. They've been friends for years and I know this friend still values me. Also, she might possibly think I am too clumsy and/or flaky to be much help. But see, that's where she would be wrong because I am a FABULOUS mover. Just ask BF. I totally helped her family out. But the way I was raised, you aren't supposed to deny people the opportunity to serve you, because that robs them of the chance to be blessed for giving service. She was raised that you do things for yourself and don't wait for someone else to help you, but just get it done. I think that's part of where the issue lies. But as a friend, I feel kind of... useless. What is the point of me being your friend if I can't help you? Service is a good way to show your love. Actions speak louder than words. WHY WON'T SHE LET ME SPEAK??? How is she going to know I love her if she won't let me serve her?

The funny thing is, it's not as though I don't serve her. I do things for her all the time. Not the least of which is to listen to her when she is struggling with something, supporting her emotionally. Which is totally important. Friends do that. I'm a good listener. Shouldn't that make me a good friend?

Somehow friendship has lost some of it's luster for me recently. I feel unvalued, especially exiting my relationships with The Roommate and Red. I gave and gave and suffered and loved and supported and in the end got cussed out for being self-absorbed. So with them, it's impossible to be a good friend. That should be kind of comforting to reflect on. Because clearly they are crazy. And there's a reason that, one by one, friends have been dropping out of their lives. But I still love them. And I want them to see that. And I feel like I have failed as a friend. Because obviously I didn't fully grasp what a Good Friend was, or I would not have made such a mess out of it. So I feel like I must fix me.

Which I guess is what leads me to feeling like I don't know what a good friend is. Because I thought I knew how to be one, and in the end two of my closest friends informed me I was not a good friend. After years and years of friendship. And now I have friends who won't let me do everything I can to keep them as friends. Which isn't fair, because how am I supposed to keep hold of my friends if I can't show them constant and undeniable proof of my love. I'm supposed to trust them to trust in my love for them? Just like I'm supposed to trust them when they say they aren't going anywhere? Red used to say that. And now he wants to be done with me. Is there nothing I can do to bind myself to my friends? I love them so much.

And there it is. The root of this feeling of emptiness and pain. And there doesn't appear to be anything for me to do.