One thing I have realized about myself is that although I've been really good about talking about my feelings and looking for honest feedback about how I'm dealing with said feelings, there is a little hiccup. Once I've discovered that something I am feeling is a little wack-a-doodle, meaning that it's not the healthy response and not "normal," after a while I try to hide the fact that I am having said feeling from those same close trusted friends who helped me determine I'm over-reacting. Because I know how sad and insecure I really do look, and that the fact that I am insecure is evident to people. For example, Coolgirl got a new employee that will meet some needs I've been helping meet in the workplace. I helped hire her. I loved her in the interview, and I still do. But now that she's started, I'm having a knee-jerk panic-y reaction, because she is (and will continue to be) taking up her time, and therefore I am feeling like I have been replaced because I don't serve a function for her, and if she doesn't need me she's going to leave. As much as I can now identify that this is a central issue for me, I still continue to panic. I can't seem to help myself. I do calm myself down in what I suppose is a relatively short amount of time, since I can identify what the feeling is. But meanwhile I get all cranky and spastic and throw up walls and alienate Coolgirl, who has no idea what my damage is.
Normally Coolgirl would get out of me what I am freaking out about, but this week she's been so busy that it's been pretty easy to a) hide some of my freaking outedness, and b) avoid getting called on it, because we have not spent time alone, and she doesn't make time for me outside of work anymore, so calling me after work to check in doesn't even occur to her. She puts me out of her head as part of work when she leaves the office now. Which is the other part of my freak-out. That I don't factor into her personal life. That's not to say that we don't have a personal relationship, or that I don't believe and trust that she loves me like a close friend. It's just I'm in the work compartment of her life. She's too enamored with her not-so-new love interest to consider making me part of her outside of work life, because said Love Interest calls the shots on the agenda.
So I'm hiding these five-year-old gut reaction feelings; squirreling them away from view with an underlying feeling of shame. Shame for being so insecure. Insecure is not attractive. People don't like an insecure friend. That leads to clingy. Which leads to people running far, far away. And in this state of shame and insecurity, I don't see any way out. Talking about it would be stupid. She's not doing anything wrong, and she can't say anything she hasn't said the last 20 times we've had this conversation about my abandonment issues. And telling other people just makes me look stupid in their eyes, and they don't know what to tell me either, except that my expectations are too high, and my feelings shouldn't be hurt given the amount of time we spend together. These things I know. My rational part totally gets it. So I just want to keep hiding it and hoping nobody notices. It feels like the dream I have about showing up to High School naked. Except worse. Because it's like showing up to work naked. For reals. And not knowing how to fix it, and so hiding under my desk all day. That's how it feels.
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