Is it Just Me?

I've realized recently a few things about me and compliments.

1. If I receive a compliment, I assume they are saying it to be nice, because they feel obligated. I think this partially stems from having a few friends who have to be very deliberate in complimenting me, because they don't naturally praise people a lot for one reason or another.

2. I do not find it to be a compliment when people tell me that I have improved, or that I have grown. At least not professionally. Because, um, excuse me, just because you are just now realizing that I rock at my job doesn't mean that I wasn't rocking before. Also, what big flaw did I have that was so terrible at the beginning.

It's funny that my brain works that way, because when I tell other people they have grown, and how proud I am, I do consider it a compliment. I think the reason I don't consider it a compliment for myself is that I have kind of these crazy perfectionist standards for myself, and if you noticed the flaw, and then I improved, I'm focused on how mortified I am that I had such a blatant flaw. Where did that come from? I never thought of myself as a perfectionist. I know that this urge is especially strong where friends are in the picture. Because I have to be perfect so my friends will love me. Because if I irritate and upset them they will go away. Since I seem to keep losing long time friends, I'm having a hard time dissuading myself of this theory now that I've identified that it is an underlying motive for me. Life-long friendships seem to be a figment of my imagination. Everyone that I think i have a lifelong bond with either grows out of me, or I have to distance myself from them for the sake of emotional health--mine and theirs. My hope is that they will come back. But current friends tell me I should move on and not hope that. Because apparently that hope is not healthy?

I also realized the other night that I feel like my friends schedule time with me now out of pity or obligation. They are all so busy. They have other friends who are their best friends. They have significant others. It is an effort for them to schedule me in. Why am I not naturally just a part of any one's life? It didn't used to feel this hard. And I feel so unwanted. The thing is, I have plenty of friends who want to spend time with me, who text me and message me and check in with me and try to slow their frantic pace to connect with me. I know this. But I feel so alone. I've lost the people who would term me Best. That's not totally true. I do still have my BFF. But she lives 4 or 5 hours away. And she has a life. And I can hardly get hold of her on the phone, let alone see her. And I"m not a part of her everyday life anymore. I don't know if any of her friends have ever even heard my name.

Back to the compliment thing: I was compliment several times tonight. But the compliments were so conditional. I was better than I had been. I was frustrating but we had learned together. I must be really difficult. Others got glowing compliments from the same lips. I don't merit that, and I don't know if it's because sometimes it's harder to expose deeper appreciation of those we are closer to, or if it is because I have not grown to their satisfaction, and do not merit glowing praise because, despite how I bust my butt, I'm not quite at that level. And yet the compliment given was given with a mindfulness that I was not feeling validated and longed to hear that I was appreciated in a meaningful way. Why, when people know you really need to hear, is it harder for said people to give meaningful praise? What is that stubbornness? Is there something so wrong with me wanting to know that those I most respect and love respect and love me as much in return. Apparently the feeling isn't mutual?