Worrying Some More

Today I did something to annoy Coolgirl and she called me on it. I was teasing her about something that she didn't find funny. It was one of those healthy normal moments in friendships where you tell your friend when something they are doing bothers you, instead of letting it fester or become a larger thing than it should be.

This is where my brain takes off with the situation and I go a little crazy. That was one small moment in an interaction this afternoon where I walked with her to her coffee shop. We had positive and fun conversation before and after. We parted on good terms when I left work for the day. And the second she told me the thing that was irritating her I had a little nagging part of my brain that popped into it's anxiety mode. While part of my brain responded maturely, and I said I was sorry and was glad that she had said something, the other part, which I didn't show, was freaking out. Because no matter how hard I try, I can't be the perfect friend. I can't be the one that doesn't irritate the people I love. And if I can't avoid irritating her, how long can this friendship possibly last? Because we have clearly gotten to the point where I am annoying. And that, in my distorted little mind, is the kiss of death to a relationship. Because once they realize all of my irritating qualities, it's only a matter of time until they see that those qualities outweigh the positive. She keeps telling me those qualities are adorable, and part of what make me who I am. Um, MORTIFYING. If my flaws make me who I am, I am doomed, right?

See, crazy brain.

So even though it was a little moment in an otherwise great day, I'm left with a slightly uncomfortable feeling of fear or anxiety. I'm worried she is realizing slowly that she doesn't want to let me in too much further. And that is why she doesn't have time for me outside of work, not the new love interest. And she probably vents about me at night. And I could hear her saying "and I finally had to tell her straight out, that's annoying, because she just wasn't taking the hint..." And all kinds of paranoid thoughts were going through my head.

Such a little thing and I can't let go of it. For her it's forgotten by now, I'm sure. I've already sent one text saying I am sorry I was so slow. And she will know it's because I tend to do what I have just described above. But because she has not answered me, I really want to send another text. And I don't know what I want to say. I just want to say something that will prompt her to answer me back because I am stressing about this, and hearing SOMETHING from her will help me feel better. But I'm not sure why this thing is what I am choosing to fixate on. I've been worried on and off the last few weeks, with all the emotion and drama (coming from me, because I've been crying over different things and stuff), and her impatience and frustration with me, that I really have been wearing out my welcome. And ultimately, she seems to be treating me the same. She still looks at me sometimes like I am pretty cool. And I still seem to entertain her. But I've gone through that with other friends. Where we still have moments of normalcy that reassure me, and then they seek distance from me. She and I have had conversations about this very thing. And she has talked to me about how i need to trust her when she says that she's not going anywhere, and that she will tell me when she has issues. And I do trust her. But (and I think I've said this before on here), what if it just hits her suddenly? It could sneak up on her too.

This is why it scares me when I have friends I love so much.