Oh the Drama I Manifest

I sometimes feel like I'm channeling my melodramatic teenager self. Which, I totally had deep thoughts as a teenager, so I'm not completely opposed to that. At least I'm not making passive-aggressive, dramatic status posts on Facebook to my current crush. That would be a little bit too far. But a nice, anonymous, open letter to a friend on my secret blog they do not know about just feels therapeutic to me. It's like that letter you write to get it all out and then you burn, or at least never give to that person. So, instead of burning it, I'm releasing it to the world via the internet. Which is totally like burning it. But way, way, way more public and permanent.

I sometimes think this whole blog is a venting ground for my inner melodramatic teenager. But, the reality is it's my outlet for all the feelings that are knotted up inside of me, making things all complicated and sometimes stopping any progress I could be making. They are both the symptoms of, and the result of my depression. Feelings are dramatic. I think that sometimes, as adults, we are better able to hide these feelings, and to downplay the torrent of feelings we sometimes go through. We also get to a point where we learn the lesson that having our business out in the world is not necessarily going to bring us peace, clarity, or strong relationships. Gossip gets old and having everyone know all the little flaws and problems in us can be stressful. But there is something freeing sometimes in just saying things. Something liberating in saying the things we hold inside because that is what adults do. As we get older it seems like sometimes we worry more about what people around us think. I can't possibly tell my coworkers and the people I supervise I have a mental illness because that is admitting weakness. I can't let them see me cry because they will not respect me. And those feelings are reinforced by our friends, coworkers, bosses, parents, and enemies. I can't tell you the kickback I've gotten in the last year or so at work over my emotional moments. I hate crying in public. I hate having people know that I cry. But I can't seem to hold my tears in check anymore. And people around me can't seem to keep their mouths in check. They have to tell me that my emotional outbursts are embarrassing to them. That people have less respect. That they think I am emotionally unstable.

People are emotional. To pretend you are not, just because your emotions may not manifest like mine do, is ridiculous. Your anger and cattiness is no more appropriate in this grownup world than my tears or anxiety. They do not win my respect any more than my emotions win yours. And they do not make you more adult than me. They do not make you more in control than me.

This blog gives me a place to be honest in my feelings, and not worry about who is judging me, or what they are thinking. But the funny thing is, not knowing who, if anyone, will read each of these posts, I still analyze how this would sound to someone, what they will think, what kind of person they are picturing me as, how they relate, and whether my writing will speak to them. There is no escaping the feeling of impending judgement, apparently. Because whether it's people I know or anonymous people I don't know and may never hear from, I will be judged. They will decide who I am, and what my words tell them about me. So I suppose part of what this exercise should be for me is a chance to learn to let go of worrying about what others will decide I am. The question is, will I ever stop placing the perception of others ahead of my own perception of who I am.

And then I think, when was it that I lost sight of who I am in God's eyes? And why can't I seem to center myself again?