Dear Friend I Love:

You have recently seen the error of your ways in our friendship. I am so relieved, although a little bit tentative. You have apologized to me in the past for crappy moments, and then things have lapsed back, and you have pushed, no SHOVED me away. I know this is a pattern for you. You have admitted that it freaks you out to have your friends close. I'm not the type of friend who does friendship from a distance. You know this. When you said, a week or so ago, that you are looking at the people in your life, and who you are giving to without receiving, and who is really giving to you, and how you value those people, it kind of slid by me.  I didn't see the significance when you said it. You say things with great significance so casually, because, of course, you are not one to talk about feelings. I still am not one hundred percent sure that's what you said, even though I was there. But I'm pretty sure that was recognition that I'm a good friend, that I've always been a good friend, and that you have finally really remembered and realized that and realized that the person you've been TREATING like a good friend, to the detriment of our friendship, in front of me while treating me like I'm nothing, is actually kind of a crappy friend to you. I tried saying things about it to you, but that got interpreted as jealousy. I think your eyes are finally being opened to the full reality of who she is, but I'm still not feeling like I can tell you the things I've seen and heard from the very beginning and trust that you will see them as marks of my honesty and insight, instead of as signs that I'm jealous. Because you like that word. To you anyone who is saying things you don't like about someone seems to be jealous. And I'm not saying I am never jealous, but I'm not an immensely jealous person.

I really hope you continue to be so centered. It is a little eye-opening to me to realize how surprised I am every time you treat me like it's important that I'm at your house, or present in whatever social setting. This is how you used to treat me. This is what I was talking about when I tried to tell you how much differently you were treating me, and you called me jealous. I was not crazy. And now you seem to have remembered. I seem to be important to you again. I'm scared to relax.

Do you realize how guarded I am with you now? I was so open, and then you rejected me, and pushed me away. Several times. I can't look you in the eye and trust you when you say that you are glad I am there. Because I have in the past, and then the next week you're irritated that I want to be included in your life. I can't let my love for you show in my eyes, because in the past that has resulted in being judged for caring too much. I can't hug you like I want to hug you, because that was Too Much in the past too. In short, I can't be the friend I want to be with you. I'm afraid that if I relax and do that again, it will put me back where we've been several times now. It will put me back in the space where I live when you push me away. Where you are so concerned about how I am Too Close you can't see past your nose to think about how I am feeling, or why *I* am struggling, or how YOU can help ME.

I think you are trying to make sure you are giving as well as receiving now. I hope you can sustain it. Because I don't want to give up on this friendship. But I also know that at some point, to let you continue to push me away and pull me back is not necessarily healthy for me. And I really love you and value you as a dear friend. I don't ever want to have to walk away from our friendship.

Love,
Sadgirl