Taking a Stand and All That Rot.

I really don't enjoy standing up for myself. Not that I enjoy being railroaded, but I really, really hate conflict and confrontation. So I have a hard time telling people in my life I don't like what they are doing or how they are treating me. Especially my friends. And if they tell me I am wrong and give their side, I am inclined to empathize with them and agree and I forget that my side is valid too. I'm very bad at standing my ground in that way. I do better with people I don't like as much. I am much less concerned about how they see me after the confrontation is over. But with friends, I really want them to like me, and not to be mad at me or think negatively about me. Which is not so realistic and doesn't really work. And yet, that is how I function.

With the whole thing with Red and Roomie, I did a lot of work on standing up for myself and setting boundaries. I have learned a little about how letting your friends treat you like crap is, in fact, not really doing them a favor and doesn't make you a better friend. Who knew? But seeing all that in retrospect does not make me any better about being assertive with other friends now. I still don't like conflict. It makes me anxious. Like, full-on panic attack, crazy-person-who-can't-think-rationally anxious. That's really hard to talk yourself through and overcome. But I am still trying to overcome it. I don't like the super-unhealthy feeling that I have when I am in those situations. I don't like what it does to my friendships. And I really want to feel not-crazy.

So a few weeks ago I told someone in my life that I didn't like the way she spoke to me one day, how it made me feel, and what I wanted from her. It was super hard. I get all nervous and weak sounding when I stand up for myself, which is not how one should sound, I'm pretty sure. But I did it, and fortunately it was someone who knows that this is difficult for me and did me the courtesy of hearing me out and not being too harsh in her response. I didn't think I had gotten anywhere. She didn't promise to change. She clearly thought I was overreacting. But I knew she would keep it in mind, and that I had at least planted a seed. I was so excited yesterday, when, indirectly, she conceded part of my point. She had seen the light regarding part of the thing I told her was bothering me. I don't know if she saw the correlation. I'm pretty sure she did, because she's one who is good at connecting things. I hope this means she has given what I said more thought. I know that this means that she values me, because of the way she weighed in my feelings in the discussion.

I'd like to say that in the future this will help me find more ease in standing up for myself. The reality is that I don't think this will magically fix the stupendous amount of anxiety I feel when addressing conflict. But it's a positive experience, and will hopefully help me be just a teensy less crazy the next time I need to put my foot down.