Self-Loathing

This is a fun one. This is one that I have not talked about very much to... anyone. Not my counselor, not my friends, not my journal... not even you. But it's been on my mind a lot this week. In this whole process I've been going through in the last year, where I lost the Roomie and I lost Red, and then things got rocky with Coolgirl (something I have not alluded to on here, partly because I stopped writing), and I started to question my ability to have friends, who, you know, wanted to be around me. I'm still not feeling very confident about that one. Coolgirl and I are fine. I got my meds changed, and got less crazy, and stopped doing crazy things like bursting into tears in the middle of the work day. And I've had a lot of "ah ha" moments and insights into my own lovely craziness. I do take things really personally. I do get really emotional and irrational and worry that my friend hates me when they get a little irritated or distracted or busy with having their own life. Off meds, those crazy moments were amplified, which was fun for all involved. Now I'm regaining some sanity and perspective and seeing that I don't have to get emotional about someone else's bad day. Not that I can always convince my emotional self of that. Because regardless of how my reasonable side sees things, sometimes the urge to be sad and crawl under the table and curl into the fetal position is a wee bit stronger than it should be a healthy adult. And this is why I'm having a hard time not hating myself right now. I mean, I'm driving myself crazy. I'm always freaking out and getting mad and sad and anxious about EVERYTHING. I am TIRED of it. I try to find my happy place but sometimes i don't think I have one. Why WOULD anyone want to have a close friendship with THAT. I want to just isolate like crazy. I want to spare everyone of sharing in my crazy moments. And I can see why they are irritated with me. I'm empathizing with them. but I can't take breaks like they can. And if I isolate, it's ALL me, ALL the time. There are not distractions. That gets old quick.

So I really kind of hate myself a lot of the time now. And I want someone who has been dealing with my crap and losing patience with me to tell me I have redeeming qualities. But apparently that is a needy thing to request. Or I don't know how to ask it. Or I'm not supposed to care? Specifically, I would like for Coolgirl to tell me my redeeming qualities, since she has had such a hard time going through all my crazy with me, and has seen all the ugly and barely made it through. She's all "you shouldn't worry about what other people think about you, and it shouldn't matter what I think." But, um, I need to know that a non-crazy person sees redeeming things in me. Because I am not trusting my own judgement right now. And I feel really ugly on the inside. I feel crippled. And I am feeling like, what's the point?