The Day After

I feel much more balanced and healthy and less weepy and desperate today. Love me a healthy day. Coolgirl took some time to talk with me this morning. I really appreciate when she identifies that I need a good talk. She emphasized with me that with both Red and Roomie that they are not really friends to me. They are not kind, they do not treat me well, they are not concerned about my feelings. They don't lift me up, they press me down. She made some good points.

I finally feel good and ready to talk to Roomie about not being roommates. Of course, she has not yet come home, or if she has, she snuck in. And maybe she's gearing up for the same talk. I would be a little surprised, but you never know. I am okay with telling her that I can't be her roommate anymore, though. I can't be happy living here, and it will not help preserve whatever is left of our friendship. It only causes me anxiety and stress to interact with her lately. Her passive aggressive way of communicating (or not communicating) makes it impossible for me to make any headway when I try to be her friend or resolve conflicts. I feel yucky when we interact now. I shouldn't feel yucky every time I talk to a friend. I also shouldn't feel like I am on a leash in my own home. I'm afraid to touch anything or say anything because she seems to become irritated with me no matter what I do (or don't do). I can't be in the position where I feel I have to live by her seemingly compulsive rules. She can maintain order for herself that way, but it only creates anxiety, not peace, for me. It will only continue to be miserable for both of us.

I'm a little frustrated that Coolgirl doesn't seem to see what I had always thought of as some of my greatest strengths (and other people had also identified as strengths). Specifically, my hesitance to let go of people I love. I have always considered myself very loyal, and others have pointed out that quality in me. Coolgirl seems to see it more as a weakness, where I put up with crap for too long. I do see that there is that other side of the coin. But if my loyalty is really a weakness, a manifestation of my Care taking tendencies, if you will, then what ARE my strengths? She has said in the past that it doesn't matter what she thinks. Of course it does. Of course I want my friends to see positive things in me. And it would be nice if they would tell me what they are. Because I'm at a loss a little here.