So Tired from Being Quiet

I'm so exhausted from the things I have not said today.

Like when my friend at work told me for the gazillionth time today that she was going to quit, she was fed up, she can't take the toxicness of it all anymore. I could have said "that's funny, I've been wondering what the hell I'm still doing here too," because of how much she and a few others have added to the toxic feel for me. But saying that would not have made things better, but worse.

Like what I didn't say to the  man who is apparently interested in dating me. I have to tell him about my incredible conservatism. I anticipate this relationship will fizzle quickly after that. One friend told me I was being pessimistic. I know my boundaries would be deal breakers for her, though. Oh, he gave me the sweetest hug this morning. It almost made today not suck. Almost.

Like how I'm still not saying to my sisters, who made plans together, and did not include me, while the out-of-town sister was here, "my feelings are hurt. would hit have killed you to invite me? This is starting to be a pattern."

With all the stuff going on  at work, I feel like such a leper right now. Crying is not okay. Which, yeah, I kind of agree with. I'm a grown woman. I should not break down into tears at work. But I don't think that makes me less of a woman. It just makes me a woman who needs to get it together. And I feel so betrayed that neither of the people I (perhaps foolishly) consider friends seem to stick up for me with people, but just make sure to tell me how little people think of me for crying, and how I have no one's respect. Thanks, friends. Maybe in your world that is tough love. In my world, that is absolute betrayal. Thanks for not having my back. That is the biggest thing I want to say that I am not saying.