You know what's interesting is that I can go through an entire weekend and just fall of the map and not leave my apartment and no one misses me or wonders what's going on or worries about me. Except perhaps my parents. Bless their hearts. But as far as having like a grown up life with people in it... not so much.
What makes it even more... odd, is that I have a window into what people are doing on facebook. My friends spend a lot of time with their other friends. I'm just not one of those friends that people spend time with. I don't understand it. I really don't. I'm the friend that people love and check in on but don't embrace as part of their actual life. What is that? It's funny that I have always believed that I am a very good friend. I work very hard at being a very good friend. But I have the affect on friends of being the friend you don't quite ever make plans with. I think I've failed and I didn't even notice....
And don't tell me it's my friends, because it's not. They are great. And I don't need new ones. The ones I have are amazing. It's me. There's something really toxic about me.
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I totally understand...your blog is pretty much the story of my life. My friends went to the fair and planned the whole thing...I found out about it the night before. No one bothered to tell me. I feel like I can love so much but it never gets returned so I end up on empty. I give all of me until there is nothing left so I cry until my chest feels like I have released a little of the pressure you feel when you are so so so broken. And I don't speak. Never. My words seem useless. I hate depression.
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