Sad.

Today I am sad. Usually when I'm sad it's triggered by something, but today, I just wanted to stay in bed all day. I didn't feel well last night. I was nauseous, and I thought I was going to throw up. I've been feeling just a teeny bit gross all week. This morning, because the nausea kept me up last night, I was tired, and ooky feeling, and I didn't want to go to work. So I didn't. I called in sick. And I slept pretty much all the day. And I want to sleep more now. But I"m not tired. I think I could talk myself into thinking I'm tired. But I would wake up at 2am and not be able to sleep and feel more crappy from the excess in sleep.

I'm very rambley today. I don't think my state of sadness is helped by watching Grey's. Poor George.

It's been a while since I've logged into this blog, and I couldn't remember the address. So I did a search, and I ran across a Sad Girl blog, with no entries. And the profile said one word. Dead. Sad. I hope sadgirl is not really dead.

I was thinking just the other day that I was feeling good, and that I should blog. Because even though this blog is kind of about my depression, it should include the good days. Because there are a lot of good days. But the only days I feel like I have anything to say are the crappy days.

I've been a little big sad all week. Today was kind of the culmination of it. I thought it was because I was being all girly and hormoney. Which I was. But that part should be subsiding for the month, if ya know what I mean. Nothing specific has been coming to mind today, or this week, when I try to figure out where the sad is coming from. So I thought it was just hormones. But then, just now, blogging, I was trying to think what in my life was sad right now. My brain was going to that, what do you have to be sad about right now place. That, you ungrateful snot stop wallowing place. And then I realized that my best friend is leaving. Not that I didn't know that. But he's not gone yet, so I've been avoiding it. My best friend, who also happens to be the man I am in love with who broke my freaking heart, is leaving. He knows I don't want him to. He's going because he needs a job, which I have to support. Supposedly he's coming back to go to school in a year. But he's always changing his mind. Also he does idiotic risky things. And I think he's an alcoholic. I'm pretty sure he is. So what if he doesn't come back? One of these days he won't come back. I think between the alcoholism, and the chain smoking, and the stupid risks, he's trying to kill himself. But not in a direct way, because he thinks that is cowardly. But somehow if he goes big, it's manly. And that's stupid. And if I weren't so sad, I would be mad at him. But that's for another day.

Blank Mind

Today is a day where I can't really identify a way I have been impacted by my depression. I should feel invigorated by this, or relieved, or... something... but I don't really feel anything, except maybe bewildered. I don't really seem to be able to define myself outside of those symptoms of depression that I seem to have become skilled at identifying. It's good that I can identify them. I think this helps me from going crazy when the anxiety makes my brain feel like one of those little wheels that hamsters run around and around in, or when consciousness does not seem appealing. I can tell myself that I am not as awful as I feel when the anger gets the best of me and I spend the whole night annoyed with everyone for everything. But on days where none of those things are issues, I'm just left with kind of a nothing feeling. Maybe what I'm feeling today is guilt. Guilt that I am not getting more done since I feel none of the other symptoms taking over.

I read a blog posting somewhere not too long ago where the poster talked about how her therapist worked with her to identify what she was feeling outside of the basic emotions we all look for (sad, angry, happy...). I think that's where I am. I'm not sad, or angry, or really happy today. I guess I'm nervous for my interview tomorrow for a job. And I don't know what else. It seems like there must be more to what I am feeling right now.

Feel the Alone-ness

Anxiety seems to be the watchword this week. I am freaking out today, because I have been sending texts to people with little response. Mostly because my phone sucks, I'm sure, but it's hard to tell. Add to that the fact that the last time I saw my good friend he was stressing out and snapped at me right before I left, and that I left a voice mail yesterday and he didn't call me back. So is this supposed to be a hint, or did he not get my texts today? Am I being that obnoxious girl? Is he even aware I tried to contact him today? And why is friend who is visiting so quiet? The worrying goes on and on, and it's driving me crazy.

Around and Around and Back and Forth (Like a Yo-Yo but Less Fun)

So this weekend I'm full of anxiety. I figure if I can identify which symptom is making me behave like a crazy person, then I can stop the crazy thought pattern in my head before it drives me 'round the bend. I had friends cancel coming into town because of money problems, but I'm convinced that they really cancelled because they were hurt when other people weren't available so they decided it would not be worth it and are just making excuses. Even though I am available. Which makes me think that they are really forgetting me, just like I knew they would when they moved. Then I tell myself that if they are short on money then I should not be mad at them. Then I tell myself that they just don't love me like they used to. And the circular thoughts go on and on.

Having the weekend open after this sudden cancellation, I was blessed to receive an invite to spend Independence Day with some friends. Only I am now worried that a few of them are mad at me. Maybe, in my head-in-the-clouds state I seem to get in when I'm depressed, I just didn't notice that I offended them. It's a possibility. There's no way to talk myself out of that one, considering I can't consult with anyone that was there to see if that is how I seemed, since I don't like to get into the whole "I'm depressed" thing with most of my friends. (Most people don't understand, don't try to understand, and get uncomfortable with the topic, in my recent experience). So right now I'm going around and around in my head about the things I said, and trying to remember the sequence of things I said, and when people seemed to stop talking to me. The funny thing is, in my sane part of my brain, I'm pretty convinced that they were just tired. But what if they weren't?

Coming home from my weekend away, my thoughts turned to my bff who is also my ex, and I started thinking about why he never texted me back. I texted him two different days last week, and then once on the 4th. Why didn't he answer? That question pops up between "are they mad at me" and "why am I not a good enough reason to visit?" My rational part of my brain tells me that he told me a few weeks ago he reduced his text plan to save money, and he also told me a family member he is really close to was texting him, and he was excited. So he probably doesn't have lots of extra texts left. But still.

Give me a minute and I will probably think of another thing to worry about in the midst of these three issues. I need a vacation from my brain. Since I don't drink or do drugs, this could be difficult to accomplish... besides sleep, of course.

Am I the Only One*

Did anyone else grow up in a house where you could ask each other to do things for you, like get you a glass of water when they were already up and you were weight down with things on your lap in the middle of a project? Because apparently my roommate finds this the height of rudeness. Funny since her snotty refusal to do it is incredibly rude to me. I bring her things all the time.

I just had to get that off my chest.

*The title totally makes me want to listen to that Melissa Etheridge song.

Worry Worry Worry

I'm noticing a pattern here. A pattern where a few of my friends, who happen to live with each other, are never online anymore. Actually, they are online. They just have their chat programs set to show them as offline. How do I know this? Because one of them has told me in the past that he does this to dodge certain people. Only now it appears that he is dodging me. When I ask about it, there are all kinds of excuses. The thing is, he's always on the computer. It's his life. So saying he never touches it is laughable.

They're leaving me. Why do my friends always leave me?

Grrrrr.

So today Crabby seems to be the watchword. I spent most of the day being fairly lazy. I feel as though I accomplished something simply because I tidied my room a little, showered, read my book for a while, talked to a fellow depressed friend, and went on a short grocery shopping excursion. In retrospect I wish I had been a little more lazy and not gone shopping. Because apparently I hate everyone today. I had not realized that until that point, having seen no people today. I did know that I had an annoying sinus headache. I think it was somehow affecting the part of the brain that holds patience. I had none. The clerks were lazy and rude (not totally my illogical rage talking there, I witnessed them ignoring and patronizing other customers), everyone was in my way on the roads, and I had to go to four stores to find the printer cartridge to make my printer work. The result is that although I am cheery at the moment, I'm pretty sure if there were people around I would be biting off their heads. I'm fairly certain that this is partially due to my impending "time of the month" (sorry if that's too much info, imaginary reader), which seems to amplify the anger part of my symptoms. I even annoy myself with all the drama in my thoughts that anger seems to bring. Ugh. Now I might just start snapping at myself.