Exhausted

Just when I thought I was all healthy and dealing, two things happened. I went to my counselor, and I got my period, thereby sending all kinds of loopy crazy hormones to mess with my body.

Turns out I have no stable part of my life right now. Within the last year, I've lost a job, gained a job, had stressful, crazy times with my roommate, changed where I go to church, and helped my parents move out of my childhood home. Also other things. Yay for instability. Have I mentioned that change stresses me out? So having identified that, and having crazy woman chemicals surging through my body, it is no wonder I feel exhausted right now. I have spent so much time trying not to be a crazy person and alienate my friend Coolgirl, who is the lucky duck who spends more time with me at this point than anyone else in my life, seeing as how we work together AND conversate about non-work topics outside work time.

One thing I have not talked to the counselor about recently is how much I worry about Coolgirl realizing how clingy and crazy I am and running far, far away. Or as far away as she can, given the proximity of our offices. She keeps insisting I'm not crazy, but I'm thinking that might be just because I've been hiding the crazy well. The clingy part I used to think was there because my ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend (her choice, not mine) would put that label on me. Two people is a pattern right? Deep down, honestly, I'm convinced I must be clingy, and I feel this desperate impulse to hide that from friends I start to grow close to. I've outgrown that impulse with a few close friends who have accepted me as family, but I'm not there with Coolgirl. Even though she's more often then not the one calling me. I'm truly, honestly convinced that any day now she will see how flawed and tiresome I really am. She assures me that she finds me neither moody (which I totally was today), nor crabby; neither annoying nor crazy. I believe her when she says it, because she is genuine and I trust her. But deep down I simultaneously don't believe her. I don't dare to. I am afraid.

My counselor says she hears a recurring theme in my different anxieties of a fear of being left behind or forgotten. Abandonment issues, Coolgirl says. Why am I afraid of being abandoned? Maybe because my ex-best friend who I thought would be there forever seemingly suddenly wrote me out of her life? But I was "clingy" in her eyes long before then. I was already worrying about being abandoned. What is my damage?

I think I'm afraid Coolgirl will leave me. She's too important to me. So I'm afraid of how much I love her and value her friendship. I am afraid of how deeply I trust her and how much I've confided, and how much it would hurt to lose that friendship. Why do I expend energy on this? Because if we were no longer friends I would be heart broken. And I anticipate heart break.