Writing.

Sometimes I think about writing. I think about coming home from work and spending the whole night writing, and how I will love it, and it will soothe my soul and I will feel all creative and have an outlet and not think about the crap at work, and the crap in my personal life, and it will be magical. And then I go and catch up on Facebook. And then there is pinterest....

So, clearly I am leading a rich life recreation-wise. I'm totally rejuvenated each morning and just RARING to go back to work, as you can imagine. Which, as you may guess, means I hate everyone's stinking guts, and was telling people to bite me as I wrote back the stupid diplomatic, cooperative emails. So, yeah. Happy, happy.

We won't get into the reasons I dread work and feel incredibly isolated, alone, and helpless every day now. I'm hoping this feeling passes soon. This morning, however, I had an anxiety attack larger than I have had in a while, and was convinced as I drove into work that my boss and the HR guy would be sitting in my office, and they would fire me. Don't ask me why. I am not aware of any (more) ways I have screwed up. But I'm still terrified  I've tried to talk to my boss about the impact some of the ways she manages me cause me to panic and despond. But, um, yeah. She takes it personally (as she in teh same breath tells me I need to learn how to not take things personally), and doesn't understand why I don't trust her. And yet, tells me that if I get fired, I will bring it on myself. Um, thanks for putting those positive thoughts out there? So, now? Don't really trust her. Because she doesn't seem to believe in me. And I want to tell her to bite me.

But, seriously, I used to love writing, and swore I would be a writer forever. I'm now failing. Haven't really written since college, in any kind of meaningful way. Sooooo... I really should start writing instead of pinning stuff on my boards on pinterest....

Tomorrow.

Birthday Blues

So my birthday is coming up... I was thinking about this tonight as I was driving home from dinner with  my parents, and I had a wee bit of a breakdown. I'm feeling a little like Eeyore right now:



But that's normal. I identify with him a little too much. I keep thinking I need to start working on having a happier outlook on life. But I'm not very good  at it.

Birthdays right  now for me are pretty difficult. Last year's for reasons I don't feel like expounding on right now, sucked. For reals. Luckily a girl from church, who I don't know well at all, was inspired to call me and we went out to dinner. So at least there was that.

The thing about being a single woman, living alone, who is not dating anyone, when all her friends have spouses or partners and  children and like, whole huge lives, is that birthdays are super lonely. My friends all, by default, have people to spend their birthdays with. Even if their partner and/or family are lame, and do little to nothing, they probably usually at least get a birthday hug. And, you know, when people ask them what they will do for their birthday, they can say they will be at home with their family, and that sounds like plans even if it isn't. When people ask me what I am doing, which they already have, I shrug all awkward and feel like a big loser. Because most likely I will get sung to at work, and then come home and watch something on hulu, and possibly cry. Or, I will skype with one of my friends, who might be the only one to make time for me, but lives in another state.

I know that I could try to avoid this scene by trying to make birthday plans for myself. But this could backfire in several ways and I don't wanna. 1. people could all be too busy. Therefore confirming that I really am a pretty big loser because her friends don't make time for her on her birthday, let alone any other time. Okay... so really, that's my biggest fear. But on top of that, it depresses me that I have to ask. NONE of my friends ever make a point of asking me to do something for my birthday. Or of doing anything FOR my birthday. I do have my BFF, who will most likely call me and make her kids sing or something, but they are far away.

I think that overall, the crying is about, for yet another birthday, having to think about my birthdya and exert fairly great effort to have people around me, when, if I were where I wanted to be, with people who love me close by and IN my life, it would just happen naturally and I would be ok with that.

Feeling very Eeyorish today. Please don't tell me to buck up.