Control Issues

So I finally started seeing a counselor. I think I might have mentioned that before. I can't remember. It would probably help if I posted more than once a month. But one of the things she pointed out to me is that I feel secure when I have control over my environment.

Today was an insecure day. I did not have control. There was criticism of the way I do my job at work, and a meeting that did not go as expected. Fortunately my boss is supportive of how I do my job. So that's a plus. But I was feeling that same stupid feeling that I will never succeed in my new responsibilities at work. This was the irrational part of my brain. The negative sounding side of my brain. The other side of my brain assured me I will rock this job so hard they will make me the queen of the universe. Or, you know, whatever is just above my current position. But, in order to gain what control I might over my environment, I cleaned. First, I cleaned out my email inbox. Then, when that failed to bring satisfaction, I cleaned my office. There were stacks of files and piles of stuff in my office that have been begging to be dealt with all week. That at least helped me feel a semblance of control over my job by the time I went home. Hopefully as a result tomorrow I will be able to focus to get some real work done.

The Rollercoaster that is My Mind

Life is pretty good right now. That said, I've experienced a bit of rage and the urge to throw myself down and have a tantrum at work this week. This is because of several different parts of my life.

There's the part where I've been experiencing change at work, including transitioning from an old boss to a new one. I think I will be much happier with my new boss. My old boss, who technically has no authority over me, but is still around, is doing her best to drive me completely insane before she can bring herself to let go. I like to give her the benefit of the doubt and assure myself that she is generally not ACTUALLY trying to make me feel small and unskilled and slightly numb-skulled. Coolgirl takes a less charitable view of her and instead sees her as conniving and possibly the spawn of Satan. I think the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. But there are days I think Coolgirl's view of things is more accurate. Today is one of those days. After all, Coolgirl is a pretty good judge of character. Old bosslady has succeeded in not only making me feel slightly inadequate, it appears she has little minions among those I work with who are reporting back to her. I am forgiving of many things in life. Two-facedness is a challenging one for me. It's too much like a lie. Really, it is deceit, which is a form of lying. I've gone through several really good moods, and then moments of wanting to seek old bosslady out and bludgeon her with something sharp and painful. To the pain, not the death, mind you. I assure you that I had valid reasons for these moods, and am quite proud of myself for having a fairly good day despite the moments old bosslady managed to orchestrate.

There's the part of my life where my best friend, or one of my best friends, seems to be irritated wiht me. I might be totally jumping to conclusions here, considering I am inferring tone from texts. It could be all in my head. But I swear she is deliberately shutting down my venting. Which would mean it irritates her. But I don't vent that much to her. I swear. Just the normal I hate my boss today stuff. Just when I was thinking I need to spend more time with her. Maybe I don't? Or maybe I'm just crazy and there's nothing going on there and she would love to spend more time with me. I think my counselor would say to wait until this confusedness clears up and THEN make a decision. Wouldn't she? I don't know.

Fortunately there's also the part of my life where Coolgirl tells me that old bosslady is crazy. Because an amazing friendship has blossomed between Coolgirl and I. So at least I know that amidst the crankiness, there is someone excited to see me every day.